How To Avoid Your Problems: Your Guide To Self-Denial

I love so many cheeses. I like them hard and soft. I like cream cheese; I like cottage cheese… I’m a true Midwesterner.

— Cecily Strong

Inspirational quotes such as these can help us find the truth within ourselves. I, for one, love cheese. But you know what  I don’t love? Dealing with my problems.

I have become an expert at avoiding all types of conflict and problems in my life through my tried-and-true method of Self-Denial. Below you’ll find these amazing tips that you can start using in your life to hide your issues from not only those you love but most importantly, yourself.

1. Whenever the problem presents itself, laugh and take a shot.

This option could lead you to get blackout drunk which, let’s be real, is the ideal situation. Let’s say the issue is an event that made you really mad, but no one else was pissed off by it. Each time someone brings it up and laughs, pull out your “medicine” and drink up. When your vision starts to blur, you know you’re on the right track to forget your woes!

2. Tell everyone that the problem is actually something else.

Did you stay up late last night crying and friends are asking you this morning why you look so tired? Psh, you did not weep over Mufasa’s death at 1:00 a.m. Come up with a story that explains your state, but also makes you seem cool, hip, and jiggy. Here, you might say, “Oh, gosh, no, I was up late talking to be Swedish boyfriend who is rich.” Very believable and chic.

3. Run Away

Some people in your life may try to confront you directly. The most mature way to handle such confrontations is to throw whatever is in your hands into the air, scream, and then sprint away. It doesn’t matter if you are in your house or at the mall, the Roar ‘n’ Run method works 8 times out of 10.

*We found the two other times it does not work happen to be when the police are involved or if you’re on an airplane.

4. Eat

Nothing is healthier than eating your feelings. Hell, eat other people’s feelings, too. Walk up to the saddest person near you, swipe their fries, and go about your day. My, don’t you feel better already?

5. Distract With Flatulence

Your therapist says you seem defensive. Ha, sucker doesn’t know defensive yet! Eat some beans and have your cannons at the ready for these sort of caring and important questions that attempt to break down your walls. Once the intrusive question is released, it’s time to spread your cheeks and let your butt-trumpet sing. Everyone will be flabbergasted by your gas, causing the perfect distraction to move on to other topics.

Self-awareness is overrated and you don’t need anyone! Take a look in the mirror, try not to gag, and look at yourself dead in the eye. You are invincible! Sort of! And beneath your calm exterior is a raging and dark self, fighting to get out and decay your whole body. Cute!

What’s your best way to stay in self-denial? An igloo of isolation? Retail therapy on miniature figurines? Cheese?

Never mind, it’s cheese.

Published by Angus Eye Tea Podcast

A weekly podcast about living with anxiety and depression.

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