A Thank You to My Flaws, Fears, and Frustrations

To the Loud-Ass Kids on the Playground

Hey kids. You annoy the hell out of me. You freak out my dog, you leave trash in my patio, and you like to play that dumb game where you grab a big rock and bang it against the electrical box. I don’t know why your parents don’t stop you, but they seem fine unleashing you demons into the world to plague the rest of us.

However, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to say….thank you. As much as it pains me.

I’m not a huge fan of kids. Mostly because they are loud. But what I will say is that each and every one of you loves me dog. And my dog loves you. Thank you for being her friend.

My Car Troubles

A huge shoutout to my car for not dying this year, but doing everything it could to make that happen. Three batters and four new tires later, you and I still hit the road on the daily.

You caused me a LOT of stress this year, but you also showed me that I have a great support system that will not only offer me words of encouragement, but will drive me in the rain to get new tires.

Traffic

You make my blood boil. You steal my precious minutes of life after work away from me.

But today, I thank you for giving me time for the things I love. I’m not the best at letting myself take down time since I’m always afraid I should be doing something else. But when you’re stuck in a car with nowhere to go, you suddenly find yourself enthralled in an audiobook or binging a podcast. 

While you still are the bain of my existence, thanks traffic for giving me back time.

To my old friend, Anxiety

Hi, Anxiety. We’ve known each other for as long as I can remember. I didn’t recognize you until I was in my early twenties, but you always were nearby, like my own shadow. You have caused me immeasurable pain, cutoff life experiences for me, and terrozied me on the daily.

But you’ve also shown me tenacity.

By learning to work with you, and not against you, I’ve learned how to weild your powers. When you used to make me overthink to the point of insanity, I now use that analytical mind to solve problems and notice details others can’t see. When I used to fear trying new things, I realized that I could turn that fear into excitement. I learned that if I was going to be afraid no matter what, I might as well go in with everything I’ve got.

My anxiety has turned me into an explorer. The fear and panic still creep in, but they now fuel me. With that energy, I’m able to take in the world, one step at a time.

Dear Depression

Oh, depression, you old bastard. It’s hard for me to think of things to be thankful for with you. You make me eat emotionally, let go of friendships, turn me against myself. You sort of piss on my own parade. 

When I think about you, depression, I think about hopelessness. I think about the darkest times of my life. You’re kind of asshole. Actually, no. You are an asshole.

But, you’ve also taught me a lesson that took me many years to learn – the art of being kind to myself.

Between my anxiety, my upbringing, and my ruthless perfectionist tendencies, I’ve spent many years thinking of myself as “less than.” I can see clearly how I could be better, and yet, I’m not doing anything to do it. Or, so I tell myself.

You creep out of the shadows and bring me down with you, but when you do, I have to take a step back and put myself force, a position I had never willingly done in my past. Because of you, I see the importance of loving myself and giving myself an actual chance. 

I’m not perfect, and I’m working on letting that image go. In a way, your dickish nature has released me from my impossible standards I had set for myself.

My Weight Gain

Thank you, weight gain, for all that you have given. Mostly, you given me a higher BMI, stretch marks, and bigger pants. But, even through it all, you’ve still given me something valuable.

Clarity. 

I have spent the majority of my life picking apart my body. I have never been skinny and I don’t even know if I fit into the commercialized version of a plus size girl. I don’t recognize my body, and I blame a lot of my life’s troubles on it. If someone doesn’t like me, I think it must be because of my size. When I was younger, I was told by those close to me that boys wouldn’t like me if I was “fat.” I took that to heart and etched it in my brain.

If I am fat, I am not valued.

However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that I use my weight as a shield. It’s easier to think that I have trouble dating because of my weight than to dig deeper and realize that I have sever trust issues. It’s easy to think that I don’t belong because of my weight instead of realizing that deep down, I don’t believe in my own worth. 

My weight has contributed to these items, but only because society has deemed it so. If I lost weight, maybe it would be easier, but those problems wouldn’t go away. 

So thank you, my extra pounds, back rolls, chubby thighs, and blossoming second chin. Thank you for showing me that I need to focus on my real issues, and not pick away at an image that won’t heal me.

Published by Angus Eye Tea Podcast

A weekly podcast about living with anxiety and depression.

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