Why I Didn’t Settle On My Medication

Recently, I’ve talked on the podcast about my medication change. I’ve been going through this process since November, so about three months! It’s been hard with some delightful side effects, but I can’t emphasize how much better I feel because of the changes I have made.

The reason I sought help wasn’t due to an overwhelming, obvious symptom. I wasn’t suddenly having copious amounts of panic attacks, or felt a noticeable pain in my side, or realized I could suddenly breathe fire.

All I had was a tiny, little hunch that something was just…off.

What was it? I had no idea. I knew, though, that I was feeling “happy.” Originally, I thought my spikes in anxiety and energy were good because, simply put, I didn’t feel depressed. However, I recently learned some great math:

Not Depressed /=/ Happy

I spent my 2019 frantic and depressed, and honestly, exhausted. You can hear if you listen back to my older episodes. I can hear me attempting to convince myself that I’m fine. This is fine. It’s soooo fine, nothing is wrong, DON’T LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

But, let’s say you’re someone who has been severley anxious and depressed your whole life. How do you know that you aren’t okay if you’ve never experienced it?

That thought is false, as you may have caught: I am not always anxious, nor always depressed. I have caught the glimpses and phases of okay-ness! But I did not trust my thoughts or emotions on how I felt, so I did what I do best: pulled out a shovel and buried those thoughts deeeeep down!

However, around fall, I hit a breaking point. I was technically okay – my life, on paper, was great. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel 100%. I mean, I wasn’t as depressed as I used to be, so what gave me the right to be bratty and depend a new, shiny pill to make my life perfect?

Well, the problem is that, yet again, that is a distorted thought.

Seeking the correct medication is not selfish.

In the episode, I talk about some of the prejudices that I let get to me about my medication and how it factored into my delay. Luckily for me, buried thoughts are like zombies. They always rise from the grave at some point.

So, there it was: I am not happy, and I don’t know why or how.

I went into my psychiatrist appointment that first day and I told her, “I don’t know how to word it, and I don’t even know how much truth is in the thought, but something is telling me that something is not right.”

And I was right.

The moral of this story is to please trust your gut. You know yourself best, and any symptom or reoccurring thought is valid. You have a right to seek the best medication to manage your mental health disorder. It is not selfish, it is not bratty, it is not weak.

Extra Fun

  • Angus Eye Tea has a Pinterest, if that tickles your fancy! One of my favorite boards right now is for Spoonie Merch.
  • Speaking of MERCH, I’d like to know what kind of stuff you like the most – tshirts, stickers, buttons, etc. Do you like merch that directly mentions the show? Or, do you like merch that isn’t so obvious, but those who see it would know what’s up? DM or email me!
  • A podcast I’m really enjoying right now is Sometimes in Shambles. The host, Melissa, talks about her experiences with anxiety in all aspects of her life. The show is like a serial diary about the struggles of mental health, and if you like Angus Eye Tea, then this pod will be right up your alley!

Published by Angus Eye Tea Podcast

A weekly podcast about living with anxiety and depression.

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