Self-Love (or lack thereof) Reflections of 2019
- 2019 I spent my days loathing myself in different ways.
- I didn’t like my body
- I was mad every time I was anxious or depressed
- I was mad I wasn’t working out, but kept complaining about it
- I was mad I wasn’t writing.
- I was mad I didn’t do anything with my weekends.
- I hated the way I maintained my home.
- I felt like I was wrecking myself with my chaotic mornings and rushed/late evenings.
- The end result was while I still was happy and enjoyed parts of 2019, every morning, my first thought was I wasn’t enough, and my last thoughts going to bed were a list of things I should have done.
- The pattern was ingrained in me and I took it to be normal. In fact, I just figured I’m a depranxious person so this was a side effect to my life.
- My routine was a CRUELTINE DAMN YES I AM A SELF-HELP GODDESS. BRENE BROWN IS QUAKING.
- 2020 is my year of not hating myself. There’s no reason for me to instantly hate myself in the morning. I can save that hatred for the moments when I get bangs or enjoy a Justin Bieber song.
- How am I breaking the pattern
- My February goal is to meditate daily. It provides a break when I start entering the hate spiral. Even if I can’t do it until the end of the day, it’s a way to reboot my thoughts and start over.
- The meditation that’s working for me so far is this video that just says “I am” affirmations for five hours. It’s weird but also it’s my favorite because I don’t have to add in my own brain power. Lazy meditation: because closing my eyes and breathing was too hard.
- Catching the bad thoughts: I’m not going to lie, I watched the Taylor Swift documentary Miss Americana and when Taylor talked about her body image issues from the past, she said when she caught herself obsessing, she would pause and say, “No. We don’t do this anymore.” So, I started trying that out and it’s working. As someone who ragged on herself 24/7, I figured fussing at myself would come naturally, and my hypothesis was true!
- So yeah, despite enjoying crystals, tarot, and Brene Brown books, it turns out Taylor Swift taught me something. Damn it Taylor, look what you made me do.
- Self-love also means you take care of yourself.
- I realized I’m tired of waking up feeling tired. Now, I drink tea before bed, meditate, and go to bed early. The hardest part is stopping what I’m working on: chores, this podcast, writing, texting back a friend.
- I’m lowering my alcohol and sugar intake. I enjoy a good cocktail and like, six beers. But alcohol has the chance to make me anxious the next day, or even later in the evening. And at that point, I think having one more drink will help abate the feelings, which it technically does but…it doesn’t last, and then I get more anxious. So to stop the cycle and to remind myself I can have fun without going to town, I’ve started pausing. You know what? I still had just as much fun. The sugar is also something that can make me feel like crap.
- I’m going to start doing some yoga again. Taking Fern for longer walks.
- I watched a sunset for the first time in years. Bundled up, brought my tea outside, and just breathed.
Self-love is a term that you’ve probably heard so many times, it’s lost its meaning. Maybe you’re like me and you think that you’ve done your best with self-love and the rest is pointless since you’re anxious, or depressed, or depranxious. The idea of doing yoga daily and cleaning my house daily and only thinking positive thoughts was incredibly overwhelming to me. I didn’t realize that that wasn’t what self-love is.
My version of the daily crap is smaller, and it can rotate out. I don’t have to do yoga daily, and there’s no stress if I miss it. I want these habits to be nurturing and not burdensome. Since I tend to beat myself up for “not doing enough” or “missing” stuff, I don’t want to implement these changes as do or die.
This past week has really changed my attitude on how to take care of myself. I am happier in my day, and even on some bad days, I’m still not as low as I was. At least I’m not adding to the shitstorm when it hits the fan.
My favorite mantra/phrase/wordz is “Life isn’t all that serious,” a concept that once made me recoil when a therapist said it. I didn’t think it was possible to get out of my head that way, but I’m starting to see it.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Don’t take life too seriously because life thinks you’re a joke.
Love yourself, send that love out to others, and then go do something about it.
Here’s that 5-hour meditation I mention in my podcast:
Casey Jourdan hosts Steady She Grows, a podcast that helps solo-preneurs logistically and emotionally. Casey is a huge proponent on batch recording (which I mention I am AWFUL at doing!), and talking about how you need to streamline your processes to better time manage yourself. Her episode on How Systems Save You is a great resource to help take care of yourself!
Coach Christine is my endless source of positivity. Her podcast, Your Empty Nest Coach, helps mothers who are facing the impending empty nest and wondering who they are now that their kids have flown the coop. Her episodes are easy to binge, and even though I am not a mother with kids in college, I still find value in every episode. I also recommend following her on Instagram because she posts daily Insta stories each morning and they honestly help set the tone for my day!
I also feel the need to shout out my pod friends who have helped me during the medication change and encouraged me to stick with the podcast: Coach Christine, Carolyn of Beyond6Seconds, KT from For Your Reference, Heidi from Vibrant Visionaries, Alyson from Art History For All…and more that I’m definitely forgetting right now but will be sure to put on blast via my socials!
Also, the folks who are not-podcasters but I still decide to hang out with anyway: Kameron, Maxbrey, Laura, Rachel, Angela, Taylor, JCTA, Amber – thanks for also helping me discover how to love myself.